it hasn't changed. well, i believe life has taken some unexpected turns:
dropped out of seminary: check.
moved out of abilene: check.
completely unsure of future: CHECK.
so a bit of honesty, i suppose:
as far as i can tell, i am (or strive to be) intentional with those around me. why, then, should i not be intentional with you? if you refuse to be such with me, then i will be all the more purposeful with you! i mean, what have i got to lose? i should, at the very least, try. the worst you can do to me is to be silent... and let's face it, we are now going on five wretched silent years; that is, of course, if there ever were any in which silence did not reign. i want to believe they were years of sincere faith and communication. i want to know that it was not all in my head; that i did not feign my "faith"; that it was not something that should now require quotation marks, significant of utter fallacy.
but i am angry with you, absolutely furious. if you were here in front of me, i'd probably punch you. i would not tell you that i hate you because i honestly do not... but i would tell you to piss off. if you are as strong as they say, surely you can take a hearty "piss off" and a vicious upper-cut. and if you ARE, then i know you can handle my rage. and i know you'll love me just the same. i know you'll understand me.
please tell me that my endeavor to be intentional with YOU is, this time, not sheer vanity. it must be more. i feel like this is our last chance. i could be content with the present and resign to it ebbing into a future. but if this is settling, my GOD, make it apparent. if it's not settling then do work, son. and quickly.
i AM that girl who writes melancholy posts every time she bothers to log in...
it hasn't changed. but it will.
About Me
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- shartzer
- a life without risk is no life at all. i'm a sucker for a man in glasses. words tend to elude me so i'll often speak with my face and my hands. shartzer is an awesome last name. i have a tattoo in my mouth. nerdiness is a gift to be embraced, not tolerated. i am a practicing vegetarian, first for humanitarian and ecological reasons, second for health. trebuchet ms is my favorite font. i propose to various musically-talented men and musical ensembles on a daily basis. if you don't mind the fact that i don't have a cosmetology license, i don't mind taking you on as a client.
That's okay, I am pretty much a melancholic poster, too. But then I'm pretty melancholic.
ReplyDeleteHey, found you on Bentobloggy (you won- congrats!).
ReplyDeleteMelancholy is ok. It's honest. I don't know you, but I identified with this post- I've been in similar places before. Wondering if my faith was real, if it was for anything? Why God wasn't talking, or why I couldn't hear Him.
I've learned that He IS big enough for our honesty, for our rage, for our doubts. In fact, I think He appreciates it. He'd rather have all that than for you to live your life in the middle, lukewarm, never deciding how you feel about anything and not being real and genuine.
I'e always thought my very best artwork and writing came out of times of doubt or depression. I honestly think these times of dissatisfaction drive us to find something more. At least, that's how my journey has gone. Good luck on YOUR journey... you'll come into a new season soon.